Another Year Older -- Still Not Getting Any Wiser Though...

Birthdays have a tendancy to make people depressed.  Not me, which is unfortunate.  Depression usually makes me lose weight.  On the contrary, yesterday I spent my birthday like a regular Tuesday, but with more singing and more cards :)  Oh, and about 150 Facebook messages sending me birthday wishes.  Too bad I don't earn activity points on Weight Watchers for olympic FB responses.   I managed to 'like' and thank every single person who wished me a happy birthday individually before midnight (last comment posted at 11:58pm last night. w00t!)  What a day.

Now, the important part of my birthday - what did I eat?  Nothing good.  Unfortunately, the weight gods have no real regard for whether or not its your birthday.  There is no repreive there.  On the plus side, I am singing at Carnegie Hall on Friday evening, and will not have an opportunity to weight in at Weight Watchers this week, unless I squeeze it in on my way home from work tomorrow, which seems quite unlikely.  So, I suppose skipping weigh in this week isn't the worst thing in the world considering yesterday's birthday menu consisted of:

• Grilled Cheese (American, Smoked Mozzarella, Hot Sauce on Whole Wheat)
• Coffee
• Chicken Salad
• A Pickle
• Chick Peas
• An Obscenely Large Cookie Dough Cupcake (courtesy of my Darling Husband, hereafter referred to as 'DH')

That was just while I was at work.  After work DH took me to see a movie (Bridesmaids - if you haven't seen it - GO SEE IT NOW.  Hilarious!)  What did I eat at the movie theater for "dinner"?

• 1 slice of movie theater pizza (gag me with a spoon it was awful - but did I eat it?  You bet I did!)
• 1 order of movie theater deep fried chicken tenders (five were in the container - were they good? Nope.  Did I eat them all up and lick my fingers afterwards?  You betcha by golly gee whiz! I sure did!!)
• 1/2 of a Large Pepsi that I split it with DH.  Because I only had half I therefore consider this a "small"
• 1 handful of DH's french fries, also deep fried and loaded with salt.  Also not particularly good.

Clearly, I was not on my game yesterday.  Another year older, yes.  Wiser?  Well -- I recongize that what I've consumed on my birthday will not only make me fatter, but prevent my goal of getting thinner... is this new found knowledge?  No.  Did I learn from my mistakes in years past?  Kinda... I just chose to ignore them.  So --- nope!  Not wiser.  Just older.  And fatter.  Damn it.

I'd Never Eat Again If I Could Just Talk to My Friend Again

I've never been an emotional eater.  On the contrary, when I'm sad or heartbroken I lose my appetite entirely.  Today I haven't eaten one morsel of anything.  I had one, maybe two sips of water.  I'm sure I'll eat at some point today -- I have to eat... but I don't have hunger.  I am both heartbroken and sad.

Friday, May 13, 2011 was a regular Friday.  I went to work, spoke to my colleague and friend in the morning, and that afternoon had a conference call with him and a client.  Roger Klems -- what a great guy.  He knew more about the industry than anyone I've ever met, knew most of the people in it quite well and was just a genuinely sweet and loving man.  Well, that and the proudest Grandfather I've ever seen.  He'd take any opportunity to tell you about one of his four grandchildren.  His son, Brian, has one more on the way -- due any minute now.

I went on with my life, eating my way through the weekend as always.  Monday morning an urgent meeting is called at work.  Well shoot -- I haven't even gotten my breakfast yet.  What could this be about?  Roger passed away Friday evening of a sudden heart attack.

I can't wrap my brain around it.  I'd just spoken to Roger THAT DAY.  Friday afternoon he was his usual self.  He was so excited because he was going to have two of the grandchildren for an overnight stay while his kids went out to celebrate their anniversary.  Never a prouder grandfather... how could he have died?

Monday went buy with a few tears, but a somber business as usual.  Tuesday was very much the same.  I still couldn't wrap my head around it.  Wednesday I got an e-mail from Brian (Roger's son) with funeral information.  A few tears -- still wasn't sinking in.  Then it happened.

Today is Thursday, May 19, 2011.  Roger's son, Brian, has a blog that I follow.  The Life of Dad.  Roger had e-mailed me about last summer... sometime around August 2010.  Always the proud Dad, his son was blogging about his life as a father for over a year, and had just gotten picked up to get paid for it.  Yay for regular updates!  I've been following the blog pretty religiously since Roger mentioned it to me.  Today's post made it real for me.  The post is called The Life of (My) Dad.  This is Brian's tribute to Roger.  It's the eulogy he read at Roger's funeral.  I cried when I read it the first time.  I cried even harder when I read it the fifth time.

The entire ride home this morning -- 45 minutes in the car -- I cried the ugly cry.  It suddenly feels very real to me, and the pangs of hunger are long since forgotten, washed away by heartbreak and saddness.

I miss my friend.

Hot Sauce Makes Life Worth Eating...

I don't know about you, but I go through phases.  There is no telling how long these phases last, but there is a period of time that I crave one food (or condoment) to the exclusion of all else.  I could eat that one food item morning, noon and night -- and even as a midnight snack.  What that one particular food item is changes over time, but they usually stick for a good while.

Most recently, blue cheese.  I would have dreams about burgers with blue cheese.  I loved blue cheese dressing.  I made five cheese mac and cheese with crumbled blue cheese.  I just adored the stuff.  And I would crave it.  And not just "oooh, I could really go for some blue cheese", but a true psychotic fit of "get me blue cheese now if you want to live."

That went on for months -- probably almost a year, actually.  I am happy to say that the blue cheese ship has sailed.  I still like it, but I don't psychotically crave it anymore.  Maybe once in a rare while in a fit of hormonal rage I'll crave a little taste, but it's nothing like it used to be.

No, these days my vice is hot sauce.  I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, 'No, Hungry Girl, you're not alone.  Everyone has the occasional craving for something particular.'  Yes, that's true, hypothetical reader, however, not everone has the type of cravings I do.  Trust me.  When I've vocalized my thought process to people they either grow worried about me, think I'm pregnant or just flat out tell me I'm gross.

Let me paint a hot sauce picture for you:  I put hot sauce on everything imaginable.  Chicken, pasta, broccolli, onions, tacos, eggs, cheese... you name it, I want hot sauce on it.  I can't get enough of the stuff.  It's incredible.  I was on the phone with my mother explaining my craving for hot sauce, and how my hot sauce obssessed mind truly believes that a spash of hot sauce on a heaping bowl of vanilla ice cream would be dreamy.  Cue the gag sounds on the other end of the phone, followed by mild concern for my sanity.

OK, seriously, hot sauce on vanilla ice cream really does sound awesome to me.  If people can put bacon in chocolate chip cookies (yes, there are people who actually do this), then why can't I put hot sauce on ice cream?  It's not physically hot.  It won't melt.  What's the big deal?

So, there you have it.  My admission of truth.  I'm obsessed with hot sauce.  Hot sauce on pretty much anything will make me want to eat it, and I want it on ice cream.  It's really no wonder I've ballooned to the size I am, huh?

On With the Week!

Last Friday I weighed in at Weight Watchers, as I try to do every Friday (as scheduling allows).  Up 2.6 pounds.  Now tell me this, why is it that I can put on weight like a champ, 2 and a half pounds a week it would seem, but when I lose, I'm lucky if I can get down more than .6 at at time? Very frustrating.

This week's goal is to be down at least half of what I'd gained last week.  There is absolutely no rhyme or reason for the gain.  I was not eating cake or cookies (so not my thing), I was not eating deep fried foods, I was not binge eating, I did not have fits of psychotic hunger... I just don't know why I put on 2.6 pounds in a week.  So, if you don't know how the weight got on, how on Earth do you "make a change" to ensure it doesn't happen again?  Well... you don't.  I'm just trying to make good choices and stick with the program.

For example, last night after dinner I tried to head over to my community's 24/7 gym.  Naturally, it's just been renovated and somewhere in all the construction my key fob to access the door of said gym was deactivated.  I called, and it will be a few days before they can replace my fob.  Fine.  I won't go to the gym.  Instead, I took a walk around my community.  I didn't wear a pedometer and I didn't clock it.  I didn't walk partiularly fast -- I just walked around.  At a leasurely pace it took about 12 minutes to get from my front door all the way back around to my front door again.  I certainly won't be running any marathons anytime soon, but baby steps.  It's more movement than I'd have gotten sitting on my couch watching Oprah Behind The Scenes.

After I'd gotten home I drank a glass of milk, as I've heard the dairy helps the body burn calories, especially after exersion.  Then I made lunch for today, cleaned the kitchen (activity points?!??!) and went to bed. 

Good Morning, Monday.  Nice to see you.  It's me against the week, and I plan to win, so look out!  On todays' menu:

Breakfast:  1 cup of decaf coffee w/ a splash of half & half
                 1 Carnation Instant Breakfast

Luch:        The bucket of caramalized vadallia onions and sauteed broccolli that I made last night before going to bed with half of a grilled chicken breast sliced over it -- smells so good! Love it when I can make food from scratch and it's EASY!

Dinner:  Ughh... dinner.  I don't know.  Chicken cutlets?  Meatloaf?  I'll let you know.  I honestly don't have a plan for this yet.

Yes, I am fully aware that lack of planning is a major Weight Watchers Fail, but being a successful Weight Watcher is about making better choices.  It doesn't have to be about planning.  Right?  Maybe?  We'll see how it goes on Friday.

Off to work, because now I'm late.  Silly me, I had to write a blog first.

The Big Decision

"Journey to a Better Me", "Diary of a Hungry Girl" -- all of those things sound so determined, and powerful and... so not where I am right now.  I started my journey to be a thinner version of myself -- more like my younger self -- back in November 2010.  Since that time, I have seesawed between having lost 10 pounds and having lost nothing.  As of today, I'm only down 1 pound from the weight I started at in November 2010.  Today is May 15, 2011.  This is my story.

I met my husband in November 2007.  We met, fell in love and as your typical fairytale story goes, we got married in October 2009 and lived happily ever after.  What the story books don't tell you, however, is after Cinderella married her prince, she put on "happy" weight, and started to look like a beached whale.  Not exactly a fairytale ending to the happy story, is it?  Let's not forget that Prince Charming stays eternally thin, making Cinderella feel an awful lot like Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy when they're out in public.

People eat for different reasons... boredom, habit, hunger, stress, inappropriate eating, obsessive eating, mindless eating, blah, blah, blah.  Every week I sit in my Weight Watchers meeting, and every week I see the successful people, and the less successful people.  I go because A) I pay $40 a month, so I want to get my money's worth and B) because I'm much worse off if I don't go.

When I'm held accountable for what I put in my mouth, I think about it.  When I think about it I'm more likely to make better choices.  "Show up, or blow up."  That's what they say in the meetings.  To a point, it's true.  I say to a point, because showing up to the meetings is only half the battle - not even.  It's a quarter of the battle.  The other three parts are get off your butt and excercise, be accountable for what you put in your mouth and make it your lifestyle to make better choices.

I could go on and on for hours about all the things a person "should" do to lose weight and be healthier.  I'm not here to write about what I should do.  I need a blog to keep me accountable.  Writing down the foods I eat in a journal just isn't how I deal with things.  In my darkest hours I turned to journaling and it truly helped to heal me.  Maybe with this blog I'll be more inclined to stick with it and make PROGRESS.  No more "shoulding" myself.  It's time to get skinny.